Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
You Might Also Like
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
This sounds bad:
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.