Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
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Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
What personal space?
My dog
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch