Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

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netflix originals are great until you binge watch the whole season in one day and then have to wait a whole decade for the next season


GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards


*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?


I definitely could NOT be a surgeon. blood freaks me out when I’m high


“They are more afraid of you than you are of them.”

-people who know even less about me than they do about bears


All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.



LIFE HACK: How To Get Rid Of Bags Under Your Eyes

1. Get a raw potato, wash it & peel it. Cut it into slices.

2. Place in a frying pan with butter, salt/pepper, onions & bacon.

3. Go online, order concealer while eating your fried potatoes. Win-Win.


Now I see why they call it your better half… My wife just stopped me from microwaving a plastic container… did not know you were not supposed to do that… And apparently you shouldn’t use hot water to fill up the ice tray either… Been a LOTTA lectures in my kitchen tonight