@adrianmyreality

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

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@Iowkeybrook

netflix originals are great until you binge watch the whole season in one day and then have to wait a whole decade for the next season

@bea_ker

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

@Tommytoughstuff

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

@wankcity

I definitely could NOT be a surgeon. blood freaks me out when I’m high

@hazelmotes1

“They are more afraid of you than you are of them.”

-people who know even less about me than they do about bears

@GianDoh

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

@CanadianBeave13

LADIES!

LIFE HACK: How To Get Rid Of Bags Under Your Eyes

1. Get a raw potato, wash it & peel it. Cut it into slices.

2. Place in a frying pan with butter, salt/pepper, onions & bacon.

3. Go online, order concealer while eating your fried potatoes. Win-Win.

@CyrusMMcQueen

Now I see why they call it your better half… My wife just stopped me from microwaving a plastic container… did not know you were not supposed to do that… And apparently you shouldn’t use hot water to fill up the ice tray either… Been a LOTTA lectures in my kitchen tonight