Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
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In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Is fructose made with real fruct?
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen