Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
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Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee