Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
You Might Also Like
Thinking about Jeff
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Selfie
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.