@ShootyDoody

Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.

Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.

@ThugRaccoons

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

@ObscureGent

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

@therealeatwood

ME: [spraying hose to make a rainbow over a bear trap]
WIFE: stop trying to trap a leprechaun
ME: I really want a pot of gold or some cereal

@Average_Dad1

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

@Schmoodles

I’m doing ‘Angry Yoga’ tonight.

It’s just lying on a mat and drinking a bottle of wine as I shout at my thighs.

@thefurlinator

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer