Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
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ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
just saw black panther and i finally understand why so many white people are mad: it’s not even a real panther, just a guy in a panther suit
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.