Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.

Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!

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Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day


ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?


FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby

ME: not today satan


I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?


A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.


Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…


just saw black panther and i finally understand why so many white people are mad: it’s not even a real panther, just a guy in a panther suit


*years from now at my will reading*

Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”

My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??

Attorney: “… my meme collection.”


My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.