Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
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Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Doormats are a gateway rug.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Fiction has to make sense.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious