Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
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I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
True
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.