Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

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Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?


She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.




Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?


If you want to take a date out for an expensive dinner may I suggest eating at the airport?


If you tell me I can only have sex with your sister over your dead body,
your funeral is going to be awkward for some of your family.


There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.


Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.