Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
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Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
nature’s most graceful animal
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.