Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
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I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.