Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
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Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!