@Crunch11b

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

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@shutupmikeginn

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

@gwatts77

Facebook people don’t like Twitter because they need picture illustrations to understand the joke.

@Brianhopecomedy

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

@Bob_Heller

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

@NickAmadeus

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

@clindsaysway

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

@Quartzjixler

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

@meganamram

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????