@Crunch11b

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

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@TheSofiya

Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT

@LuvPug

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

@MissBamantha

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

@Isyscupids

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

@TheBoydP

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

@RunOldMan

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

@introvertedwife

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

@Vodkantots

My tampon just leaked during my bath and now it looks like I made a tub full of passion fruit tea.

@AlexEllisdon

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG