Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

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Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.


Facebook people don’t like Twitter because they need picture illustrations to understand the joke.


“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”


“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”


As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.


I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.


That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button


I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.


Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????