Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
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You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
For the baby who has everything
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
#MeanwhileInCanada
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.