Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
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The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk