every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
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Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I feel it
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??