@themiltron

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

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@Brianhopecomedy

The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.

@JediGigi

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

@MichelleLoserby

HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?

HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven

HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?

HER: pizza rolls

HIM: What about—

HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.

@Fred_Delicious

[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”

@ValGyorgy

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

@KeetPotato

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

@Schmoodles

Me: When does karaoke start?

Him: Never.

Me: But I put my
“I ? Karaoke” t-shirt on.

Him: We noticed.

Me: This is the worst funeral ever.

@Swishergirl24

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

@TheDrunkStory

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside