Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
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You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I wish when someone called me my phone had an “Accept”, “Decline” and “Send Electric Shock” option.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.