Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
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90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.