Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
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Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t