Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
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someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.