I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
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I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
i love modern commerce
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Breaking news:
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?