If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
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*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus