@PlatinumShower

Every time the wife pisses me off, I hollow out her tampons and pack them with strawberry Pop Rocks.

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@internetluke

Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*

@Fred_Delicious

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

@samfromks

Her: What veggies are the kids having with dinner?

Me: (Smacking the bottom of a ketchup bottle) Fresh Tomatoes…

@magicChopstick

Spider Man, Spider Man
Chillin’ in his camper van
Kickin’ back, drinkin’ booze
head to toe in sweet tattoos
Hang on
That is not Spider Man

@JMScomedy

If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.

@bingowings14

For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.

@meganamram

They call me the Titanic because I once went down on a bunch of Irish peasants

@thatUPSdude

Me: I need to go

Tequila: No stay, have a couple more

Me: I need to go to bed

Tequila: Shhhh just sleep on the floor, I got you

@aissalanis

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

@huntigula

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll