Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
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“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
I have never related to anyone more.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction