Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
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[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
BRAKING NEWS!!
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you