Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
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TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?