Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
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[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down