Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

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Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch

Her: *chokes* It’s too late

Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.


“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops


My husband and I have been in an open marriage for five years. I hope he’s ok with it when he finds out.


One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.


two months from now, toilet paper still remains out of stock. the people begin to riot. the charmin bears perch upon their mountain of wealth, watching humanity suffer


5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.


I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.


A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree. “Here, I killed your friend. Hold him.”