Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
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“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My husband and I have been in an open marriage for five years. I hope he’s ok with it when he finds out.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
two months from now, toilet paper still remains out of stock. the people begin to riot. the charmin bears perch upon their mountain of wealth, watching humanity suffer
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Such acute joke.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree. “Here, I killed your friend. Hold him.”