Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
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My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
When you let grandma cat sit
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.