@haleysfalling

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

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@ThisOneSayz

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

@DevilryFun

From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.

@sammyrhodes

Saying a prayer for all the turkeys tomorrow. Also the single people with concerned relatives.

@Reverend_Scott

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

@perfectsweeties

the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants

@trojansauce

ME: hey baby

HOT GIRL:

ME:

HOT GIRL:

ME:

HOT GIRL:

ME: *looks closer*

HOT GRILL:

ME: oh

@nursemella

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

@shutupmikeginn

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.