Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
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From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys tomorrow. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
for all #parents out there
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
ME: hey baby
ME: *looks closer*
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.