every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
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If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it