every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
You Might Also Like
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Seas the day!!!!
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.