Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Darlainky

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

@k_lli

A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.

@ErrenMichaels

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

@JediGigi

Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”

@DominicStraw

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

@manda_tee1

RIP boiling water,

You will be mist.

@thestlouisan

I Don’t Know, In The House Somewhere
-A family autobiography

@PanicRestroom

He died doing what he loved: being alive

@tweetsbymoon

octopus: [gun in each hand]

cat: you’re one short buddy