Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Every time you say you’re humble, I want to buy you a dictionary.
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A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
RIP boiling water,
You will be mist.
I Don’t Know, In The House Somewhere
-A family autobiography
He died doing what he loved: being alive
octopus: [gun in each hand]
cat: you’re one short buddy