are they though??
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[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.