Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
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*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Yes, but it was never about money
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.