How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
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I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Sunday
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.