@MrGeorgeWallace

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!

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@craiguito

RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts

@SirEviscerate

TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?

@david8hughes

Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.

@AllanForsyth

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

@lazerdoov

If I had to be in the military I’d probably pick sleeper cell agent cause I get tired a lot

@WinningByARose

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

@daddydoubts

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

@WakeVII

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Tell them your name is Waldo
4) Leave

@junejuly12

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

@karanbirtinna

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.