Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!

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It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up


I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”


Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder


The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.


What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?


I usually turn down the volume on my car radio when searching for an address, as if the house will shout out to me as I approach.


Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now


Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*


My ex used to say there was one person for everyone. I didn’t realise he planned to be that person


“The princess dies. And then the people trying to save her die. Dragon guarding the castle? Dead”

– Bedtime at George R.R. Martin’s house