Every TV commercial right now: “You’re not just a customer, you’re family.”

All of us: “That’s actually worse.”

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I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum


[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No


My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.


You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.


Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.


I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.


Took a screenshot with my iPhone with the intention of texting a picture of my cracked screen.So the answer is no I didn’t graduate college.


Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.