Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
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The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
BETRAYAL
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.