@LurkAtHomeMom

Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.

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@pleatedjeans

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

@SethMacFarlane

Someone left a flyer on my windshield asking me to envision heaven, so I pictured a world where no one leaves flyers on my windshield.

@RamblingMachine

I told my BF I dreamt he got me a ring for my birthday. Later, I found a wrapped box from him, with a book entitled “the meaning of dreams”.

@AliTheAnsari

My son learned the word “delicious” recently, except he pronounces it “decisions” so now you just see him walking around the house sipping on his water bottle going:

“*slurp* Ahhh…decisions…”

@Marlebean

I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

@otterloneliness

ME: im depressed

DOG: what’s depressed

ME: it’s when everything feels like shit

DOG: like hungry

ME: sorta, but it’s constant

DOG: like hungry

@liv_thatsme

(Boyfriend reaches for an old Target bag to line the trash can)

Me: NOT THE NICE TRASH BAGS

@karlainvt

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.