Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.

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Wife: Can you fix this, the holes too big for the thingy majingy?
Me: Hey I know how it feels! Hahaha!
*And then I regained consciousness


Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.


[At the therapists]

Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.

Therapist: That’s the spirit!

Me: Holy shit! Where?


Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.


“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?



Learn to put yourself first unless you’re in a battlefield.


[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.


wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training


Me: *wearing a crystal chandelier*

Store Assistant: can i help you sir?

Me: how much for this disco poncho?