Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.

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[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]


Someone left a flyer on my windshield asking me to envision heaven, so I pictured a world where no one leaves flyers on my windshield.


I told my BF I dreamt he got me a ring for my birthday. Later, I found a wrapped box from him, with a book entitled “the meaning of dreams”.


My son learned the word “delicious” recently, except he pronounces it “decisions” so now you just see him walking around the house sipping on his water bottle going:

“*slurp* Ahhh…decisions…”


I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa


ME: im depressed

DOG: what’s depressed

ME: it’s when everything feels like shit

DOG: like hungry

ME: sorta, but it’s constant

DOG: like hungry


(Boyfriend reaches for an old Target bag to line the trash can)



Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.