@LurkAtHomeMom

Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.

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@rsynder336x2

Wife: Can you fix this, the holes too big for the thingy majingy?
Me: Hey I know how it feels! Hahaha!
*And then I regained consciousness

@1followernodad

Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.

@iGreenGod

[At the therapists]

Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.

Therapist: That’s the spirit!

Me: Holy shit! Where?

@causticbob

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

@SteveSuckington

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”

@UgghNotyou

Learn to put yourself first unless you’re in a battlefield.

@ch000ch

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.

@TweetPotato314

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

@sonictyrant

Me: *wearing a crystal chandelier*

Store Assistant: can i help you sir?

Me: how much for this disco poncho?