Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
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8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.