Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
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Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader