Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
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Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no