@CauseWereGuys

Every woman is wrong until she starts crying… Then she’s right.

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@AimeeHelene1

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

@TheZachCozad

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

@dave_cactus

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

@Izianikapani

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

@bonehugsnirony

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

@mdvaldosta

Ladies: we’re not fooled by your PMS trickery. I see how happy you are in those tampon commercials.

@sonictyrant

GENIE: okay, 3 wishes

ME: i want Sean Connery to recite She sells sea shells-

GENIE: that’s two

ME: in the form of a rap

SEAN CONNERY: {clears throat} gimme a shick beat