Every woman is wrong until she starts crying… Then she’s right.

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*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*


“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade


[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]


My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.


Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.


Ladies: we’re not fooled by your PMS trickery. I see how happy you are in those tampon commercials.


GENIE: okay, 3 wishes

ME: i want Sean Connery to recite She sells sea shells-

GENIE: that’s two

ME: in the form of a rap

SEAN CONNERY: {clears throat} gimme a shick beat