Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
You Might Also Like
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.