My wife does this thing where she hides all my stuff but calls it, “putting them away.”
Every woman is wrong until she starts crying… Then she’s right.
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I cross-bred an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you’re interested in a pretty amazing hug.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR… CLAUSTROPHOBIC MAN (runs into a phone booth) (runs out, crying) no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no n-
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
– Your Honor, I’d like to plead insanity.
– On what grounds?!
– I’m married.
– I’ll allow it.