Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

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5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?


I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.


Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…


*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”


I don’t gossip because:

1. It’s not my business.
2. I’m no better than anyone else.
3. And no one tells me any good juicy stuff 🙁


Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.


I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing


FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.


Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work


Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.