Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
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“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Thursday Thought.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.