5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
You Might Also Like
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
I don’t gossip because:
1. It’s not my business.
2. I’m no better than anyone else.
3. And no one tells me any good juicy stuff 🙁
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.