Every work meeting this week
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“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Succinctly put.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.