Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
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Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Bill is short for Billiam
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?