Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
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I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie