Every year on daylight savings I try to stay awake long enough to catch the government agents coming in through the chimney to change the clocks but i always fall asleep

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*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*


I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.


Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.


Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices


Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem


me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”


My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.


I gave myself whiplash. It couldn’t be helped. Bohemian Rhapsody came on, and my kids weren’t gonna teach themselves how to head bang.


This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.


If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.