My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Every year on daylight savings I try to stay awake long enough to catch the government agents coming in through the chimney to change the clocks but i always fall asleep
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COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn’t just painted on.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
2007: OBAMA’S COMIN’ FER YER GUNS
2010: any day
2012: ok now
2013: i think..
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way