@InternetHippo

Every year on daylight savings I try to stay awake long enough to catch the government agents coming in through the chimney to change the clocks but i always fall asleep

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@Kendragarden

My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.

@TheCatWhisprer

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE

@KimMonte10

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

@Supafunkadunka

Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn’t just painted on.

@TheGirlPie

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

@ilovepie84

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

@punished_picnic

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

@owillis

2007: OBAMA’S COMIN’ FER YER GUNS
2008: comin’
2009: almost
2010: any day
2011: seriously
2012: ok now
2013: i think..
2014: nope
2015: well

@GrantTanaka

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

@SteveSuckington

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way