My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
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Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
consequences, the bane of my existence
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?