@InternetHippo

Every year on daylight savings I try to stay awake long enough to catch the government agents coming in through the chimney to change the clocks but i always fall asleep

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@camel_racer

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

@AimeeHelene1

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

@ShootyDoody

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

@Humor_Fetish

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

@TheAlexNevil

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

@KeetPotato

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

@MAB1013

I gave myself whiplash. It couldn’t be helped. Bohemian Rhapsody came on, and my kids weren’t gonna teach themselves how to head bang.

@JohnLyonTweets

This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.

@BuckyIsotope

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.