Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
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Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
#oldknees
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.