Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
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Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
work smarter, not harder
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Somewhere in an alternate universe
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
incredible text to wake up to