@mommajessiec

Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

@gabbybendel

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

@ninjadinosaur1

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

@Reverend_Scott

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

@LVMelL0

My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.

Donut: ….

@SardonicTart

Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.

@skickwriter

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

@EveInFlow

This is now a vegetable pun account. Please romaine calm.

@donni

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts