Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

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Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows


Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.


*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”


Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.


My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work


Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower


quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila


Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.


Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way


Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.