Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
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Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
opening a flower shop called women in stem
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.