People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
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My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.