@tweetsbyrocket

everybody else
was kung fu fighting, but i
was haiku writing

You Might Also Like

@redpawn3

I could totally handle twins, triplets even quadruplets.

Hold it, you’re talking about BABIES?

@freypalm

Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.

@BradBroaddus

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

@Steelers1972

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

@shutupmikeginn

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

@panmidwest

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

@c12h22o11balls

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button

@WineMummy

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.