*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
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Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.