@offbeatoliv
@sixfootcandy
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
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@sixfootcandy
@jobless4eyes
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
@lovejulieacafe
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
@Gooooats
Him: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
@ninatreemonkey
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
@ddsmidt
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
@roostermustache
Him: my gf left me
Me: theres plenty of fish in the sea
Him: yeah but-
Me: also a squirrel
Him: …what
Me: and a sponge in a pineapple
@Sophie2078
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
@AnnietheNanny1
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
@Sorrowscopes
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive