@offbeatoliv

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

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@sixfootcandy

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

@jobless4eyes

What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!

@lovejulieacafe

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”

@Gooooats

Him: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.

@ninatreemonkey

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

@ddsmidt

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

@roostermustache

Him: my gf left me

Me: theres plenty of fish in the sea

Him: yeah but-

Me: also a squirrel

Him: …what

Me: and a sponge in a pineapple

@Sophie2078

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

@AnnietheNanny1

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

@Sorrowscopes

I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive