@offbeatoliv

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

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@aardvarsk

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

@weinerdog4life

A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away

@durkindugsaw

I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”

@IndecisiveJones

wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction

me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece

@badbanana

It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.

@sarcasticmommy4

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

@Kirangandhi

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

@ProZD

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

@MarkAFuqua_Hunt

I’ll always be here for you….
Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there.
Then I’ll be over there for you.