I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
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A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
RIP boiling water,
You will be mist.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
I’ll always be here for you….
Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there.
Then I’ll be over there for you.