@Cool_Jesse: That's the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he's a wizard.

@slimmy_shady: In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him"Hi, how are you"? "Sorry I don't speak Chinese" Great. I've raised a douche!

@WhatevaConc: If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

@WilliamRodgers: They say all good things must come to an end... After 7 wonderful years of marriage... I walked in on my wife... Watching Twilight..

@dave_cactus: HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all? ME: I used Kohl's cash. [police burst through the door with Kohl] KOHL: That's the man who mugged me!